The Control Drama of the “Poor Me” / Victim

In the previous articles on the control dramas, we explored the Intimidator, the Interrogator, and the Unapproachable. All three types inevitably encounter the “Poor Me” in order to give their drama its particular dynamic.

When we recognise the key-and-lock principle between these types, we gain the opportunity to break the mechanisms of negative behavioural patterns. A control drama has little to do with true love.

THE “POOR ME”

These individuals believe they suffer from a lack of strength that makes it impossible for them to face the challenges of the world in an active and empowered way.

For this reason, they attempt to draw energy towards themselves by evoking sympathy.

Often silent, they resemble the Unapproachable — yet the “Poor Me” usually makes sure that its silence does not go unnoticed or without impact.

RESCUERS AND HEROES AS A SOURCE OF ENERGY

People who enhance their own sense of worth by helping others are readily used by the “Poor Me” for its purposes.

In truth, it is never primarily about the other person, but about perfecting the role of the “Poor Me” in order to feed on the energy of the rescuer.

As a convinced pessimist, the “Poor Me” draws attention through a worried facial expression, loud sighing, trembling, tears, staring into the distance, hesitant replies, and the melancholic retelling of past dreams and life crises.

“Poor Me” types love to let others go first and to comply with the wishes of others. Their favourite words are: “Yes, but…”

IN GROUPS

In group seminars, they love to listen closely to the problems of others. Often, they believe that by identifying with the issues of others, they are building connection.

They also assume that by sharing everything terrible that has happened to them in life, they will evoke sympathy — and thus motivate additional rescuers to make themselves available to them.

EXAGGERATED VULNERABILITY

At first, the “Poor Me” types can be quite captivating through their vulnerability and apparent need for help. However, they are not truly interested in real solutions to their problems — because that would mean losing their source of energy.

This external source must not dry up, since the genuine connection to their own Self is missing. “Poor Me” types often visit doctors not because they are truly unwell, but in order to create a bond with someone who is available to them.

They also tend to be excessively accommodating, which eventually leads them to feel exploited — allowing them to once again activate their “Poor Me” strategy for gaining energy.

SEXUAL FAVOURS

When they offer help, they rarely possess the ability to set clear boundaries. They tend to be defensive, apologetic, overly talkative, and eager to solve other people’s problems.

For example, they may allow themselves to be objectified through their attractiveness or by granting sexual favours — only to later complain that they have been taken advantage of.

THREATENING VIOLENCE

The “Poor Me” reinforces its victim role by choosing partners by whom it feels threatened. In extreme cases of domestic violence, an Intimidator may draw the “Poor Me” into increasingly violent episodes of physical and psychological abuse, until the situation eventually becomes unbearable.

Once this peak is reached, the Intimidator withdraws and apologises — thereby directing energy back to the “Poor Me” and drawing it once again into the cycle.

In my sessions, participants learn to relinquish the role of the “Poor Me” in order to live a life of self-determination and freedom.

In the upcoming blog entries, I will explore the transformation of the control dramas.

Thank you very much for your interest in my work.

Warm regards,

Marc Altmann

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