You Are Allowed to Receive
Why giving and receiving are two sides of the same love.
Many people have learnt how to give.
They help.
They listen.
They care.
They take responsibility.
They give their time, their attention and their energy.
When someone needs them, they are there.
Perhaps you are one of these people.
Perhaps giving to others even feels completely natural to you.
But what happens when the direction suddenly changes?
When someone wants to help you?
When someone wants to be there for you?
When someone wants to give you something?
When someone wants to take care of you?
Suddenly, what felt so natural when you were giving becomes something entirely different:
Receiving.
And surprisingly, this is precisely what many people find much more difficult.
Giving Is Sometimes Easier Than Receiving
Perhaps you recognise phrases like these:
“Oh, you really didn't have to do that.”
“Please don't go to any trouble for me.”
“No, thank you. I can manage.”
“I can't possibly accept that.”
At first glance, these statements may sound modest and independent.
But sometimes something deeper lies behind them.
Perhaps we have learnt:
I must not be a burden to anyone.
Perhaps we believe:
I have to manage on my own.
Or:
I have to achieve something before I am allowed to receive anything.
And so, over the course of our lives, we may become excellent at being there for other people – while almost forgetting what it feels like when someone is there for us.
We know how to give.
But we find it difficult to receive.
Receiving Makes Us Vulnerable
When we give, we often retain a certain degree of control over the situation.
We decide what we give.
How much we give.
When we give.
And to whom we give it.
Receiving is different.
We open ourselves to something that comes to us from outside.
We allow another person to do something for us.
And in doing so, we give up a little of our control for a moment.
Perhaps this is precisely why receiving can sometimes feel so unfamiliar.
Because receiving also means:
I allow myself to be touched.
I allow someone to see me.
I allow someone to recognise my needs.
I allow myself, for a moment, not to be the person who has everything under control.
That can feel vulnerable.
But vulnerability, as we explored in the last newsletter, is not the opposite of strength.
Perhaps sometimes it is even the very condition that allows genuine closeness to arise.
You Don't Have to Earn Everything
Many of us learnt early in life that achievement is rewarded.
We receive recognition for good marks.
For good work.
For being helpful.
For fitting in.
For success.
From this, an unconscious belief can develop:
If I want to receive something, I have to do something for it first.
In many areas of life, of course, this makes sense.
But when we transfer this principle to our entire sense of self-worth, a problem arises.
Eventually, we may begin to believe that even love has to be earned.
Attention has to be earned.
Affection has to be earned.
Rest has to be earned.
Perhaps we only allow ourselves a break once we are completely exhausted.
Perhaps we only accept help when we genuinely have no idea what else to do.
Perhaps we struggle to accept a compliment without immediately playing it down.
Someone says:
“You look wonderful today.”
And we reply:
“Oh, not at all.”
Someone says:
“You did that brilliantly.”
And we say:
“It was nothing special.”
Why is it sometimes so difficult simply to reply:
Thank you.
Perhaps because those two little words require something from us:
A willingness to allow something good actually to reach us.
Receiving means allowing yourself, for a moment, to stop trying to earn your worth.
Can You Receive Love?
We often talk about how important it is to give love.
To be loving.
To show compassion.
To accept other people.
But another question is at least as important:
Can you receive love?
Can you believe that someone genuinely enjoys being with you?
Can you accept a compliment?
Can you truly allow yourself to receive an embrace?
Can you accept that someone wants to do something kind for you?
Can you receive love without immediately wondering how you can repay it?
Because this is often where our relationship with our own worth reveals itself.
If, deep inside, we believe that love always has to be earned, even a gift can begin to feel like an obligation.
Our minds immediately start keeping accounts:
What do I owe now?
How can I return the favour?
What do I have to give back?
But love is not bookkeeping.
True generosity does not keep accounts.
Giving and Receiving Belong Together
Take a look at nature.
A tree gives.
It offers shade.
It produces oxygen.
Perhaps it bears fruit.
It provides shelter for birds and other animals.
But the same tree also receives.
It receives light.
Water.
Minerals from the earth.
Carbon dioxide from the air.
Without receiving these things, it could give nothing.
The sea receives rivers and rain.
At the same time, it releases water into the atmosphere.
The Earth receives the light of the sun.
Night receives the day.
We breathe in.
We breathe out.
All life moves in cycles.
No one could survive by breathing out continuously.
We also have to breathe in.
Perhaps the same is true of our soul.
Life is not a demonstration of your independence. It is a cycle of giving and receiving.
Receiving Is Not the Same as Taking
There is an important distinction here.
Receiving is not the same as taking.
Taking can mean demanding something.
Grabbing something for ourselves.
Perhaps even claiming something another person does not wish to give.
Receiving, on the other hand, assumes that something is being offered freely.
Someone gives.
And we open ourselves to receive.
Someone offers help.
And we are allowed to accept it.
Someone gives us their attention.
And we are allowed to enjoy it.
Someone loves us.
And we are allowed to let that love enter our heart.
Receiving therefore does not mean accepting everything without boundaries.
You are still allowed to say no.
You are allowed to consider what is good for you.
You are allowed to set boundaries.
Not every form of attention is love.
Not every gift comes without expectations.
And we do not have to accept every supposed act of help.
Conscious receiving also means being able to distinguish:
What genuinely wants to come to me – and what wants something from me?
When a Gift Becomes a Debt
Perhaps you have experienced people giving you something and later expecting something in return.
This can make receiving difficult.
Because we begin to learn:
If I accept something, I owe something.
But this is not the only form of giving.
There is also the freely given gift.
Something a person gives simply because it brings them joy.
Without a hidden account.
Without entitlement.
Without later saying:
“After everything I've done for you…”
True generosity leaves the other person free.
And therefore true receiving also requires freedom.
You are allowed to accept something that is given with love.
And you are allowed to refuse something when you sense that it is intended to create an obligation you do not want.
There is self-respect in that too.
You Also Allow the Other Person to Give
Perhaps there is another way of looking at this.
When you want to give someone something and that person receives your gift with genuine joy – what happens within you?
Perhaps you feel happy.
Perhaps you are touched that your gift has truly been received.
Perhaps you experience something beautiful simply because you were able to give.
Why should it be any different for other people?
If you refuse every offer of help, decline every invitation and play down every gift, you are not only denying yourself the opportunity to receive.
You may also be denying someone else the opportunity to give something to you.
Suddenly, we realise:
Receiving can also be a gift.
Because love does not only need someone who gives.
It also needs someone who is willing to receive it.
Let Love Flow
Perhaps love is less a possession than a movement.
It wants to flow.
From one person to another.
Sometimes you are the one who gives.
Sometimes you are the one who receives.
And sometimes both happen at the same time.
You listen to someone and at the same time receive the gift of their trust.
You embrace someone and are embraced yourself.
You comfort someone and experience closeness in return.
You love – and you are loved.
Perhaps we therefore do not need constantly to calculate who is giving more.
In a living relationship, this flow changes again and again.
Today you carry me.
Tomorrow I carry you.
Today I listen to you.
Tomorrow you listen to me.
Today I need your strength.
Tomorrow perhaps you will need mine.
That is not weakness.
That is relationship.
Life Wants to Give You Something Too
Perhaps we can open this thought even further.
We often ask ourselves:
What should I make of my life?
Perhaps from time to time we are also allowed to ask:
What does life want to give me?
An encounter?
An experience?
A quiet moment?
A new opportunity?
Joy?
Love?
Perhaps we are sometimes so busy trying to shape our lives that we fail to notice what is already there in front of us.
Not everything has to be fought for.
Not everything has to be earned.
Not every beautiful experience has to serve a purpose.
You are allowed to watch a sunset without having to make anything of it.
You are allowed to laugh without needing a reason.
You are allowed to enjoy a beautiful moment without immediately thinking about tomorrow.
You are allowed to be happy without having to justify it.
Perhaps this, too, is receiving:
allowing life to touch you.
Open Both Sides of Your Heart
Perhaps you have spent a long time learning to open your heart in order to give something to others.
That is beautiful.
But an open heart has two directions.
It gives.
And it receives.
Perhaps today you can simply notice what is already coming towards you.
A kind word.
A smile.
An invitation.
A helping hand.
An embrace.
A compliment.
Time.
Closeness.
Love.
And perhaps you notice your first impulse:
I don't need that.
I can't accept that.
I have to give something back.
Then pause for a moment.
Perhaps you do not have to do anything at all.
Perhaps one word is enough:
Thank you.
Let it reach you.
Without explanation.
Without justification.
Without immediately giving something in return.
Perhaps this can be your practice today.
Not to give even more.
But truly to receive something.
Because you do not always have to be the person who carries love into the world.
You are also allowed to experience love returning to you.
Don't only open your heart to give love. Open it wide enough to let love in.
And perhaps one day you will realise:
Giving and receiving were never opposites.
They have always been two movements of the same love.
With warm regards,
Marc Altmann
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